Leighann
I'm now blogging at marquissclan.blogspot.com
All posts regarding baby boy are there and easily accessible. If you'd like to look in the back posts here, click on the most recent one with the label you are looking for. All posts with that label will display. Thanks and happy reading!
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Sunday, Natalie and I went out for pancakes, just the two of us. She's been a little clingy the last few months and made some comments last week about Ainsley getting to stay home with mommy all day while she (Natalie) has to go to school. I felt it was time to institute a regular date schedule with Natalie. So, there I was Sunday morning eating pancakes with my 4 year old who was across the table cutting her own pancakes with her fork. (where and when did she learn to do that?)
"This is really fun. I'm glad we came out for pancakes." I say.
"Yep. They're good. Next time, let's bring Ainsley and Daddy." She chirps.
"What? Aren't you having a good time having alone time with mommy." I ask.
"Yes. It's fun. But I think Ainsley and Daddy would like this place." was her response.
Great. All this alone time and here she is wanting to bring people along!
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I'm totally a project-oriented girl. Always trying to get something done with a to do list the length of my arm. One of my biggest hurdles as a mom has been to engage my children. When they're being good, it's so hard for me not to take the opportunity to check off one more thing off the list. I find myself often saying, 'just a minute, mommy has to [fill in the blank]'. So, many days, I will put 'play with the girls' on my to do list just to remind myself to refocus on what's important. This brings me to the next hurdle. What to do with them.... we do crafts and play-doh, but is there more out there? So, help a sister out, let me know what you enjoy doing with your kids that they ask to do over and over..... ready, GO!
Yesterday, we loaded up the girls and headed out to the local tree lot to find the perfect tree. Bundled up in hats, scarves, and gloves, we trecked through the lot for all of 20 seconds before the girls started complaining of being cold. And, I can't blame them. It was FREEZING! So, the girls and I headed back to the car while daddy braved the wind. He found a beautiful tree and it was being tied onto the top off our car in no time. Meanwhile, the girls colored and sang (you should hear Ainsley sing Deck the Halls) and laughed.
Every year, I get the girls a new ornament corresponding to what their current interests are. This year we wrapped them and they opened them last night to start off the festivities. Ainsley loves her Mickey Mouse ornament and Natalie loves her Barbie Ballerina. They were the first ornaments onto the tree. Most of our ornaments are glass balls - yes, I know, who thought of that in a house with a toddler and preschooler, but I'm happy to report we only lost one. We had such a good time watching the girls pick out where they wanted the ornaments. We also brought out the Fischer Price nativity and the girls have been vying ever since to be the one to play with it. When Natalie was bringing out the pieces, I heard Ainsley say, "Baby E-sus". So cute. I love this time of year.
I have struggled lately wondering if I am in denial over baby boy. I shared before that I feel God challenged me a week or so after getting the initial news to trust that he WILL heal this baby, not only that he can. This is a hard thing to do. It's hard to say you 'heard' from God; that he's telling you something that will happen in the future. No one wants to misread God, or attribute our wishes as a message from God. It's not only highly embarrassing, but extremely disappointing. So, I go back and forth wondering if I'm understanding the Holy Spirit or if I should have a plan for baby boy's passing - you know, just in case. I verbalized this to Henry last night, saying I didn't want to be naive, or unprepared (yes, I'm a huge control freak!). He encouraged me to keep believing my gut feeling - that God will heal the baby.
I've also cried out to God in the last week or more, where are you? are you still speaking to me? am I understanding you correctly? what are my next steps? Nothing but silence on the other end. It's frustrating because I really felt God speak to me several times in the first 10 weeks after diagnosis. It seems since our initial visit to Children's, I've become more confident in the medical community stepping up to the plate and have depended less on my faith reaction. I don't want that. I want to know God is still there; listening, taking part, etc. So, I've really been asking for clarity and judgment.
This morning, I was rushing around trying to get more things done than possible and I turned the radio on in my car while running my errands. A Seventh Day Adventist service 'happened' to be airing. The minister was quoting a negro spiritual that says, "Don't wait until the battle is over, shout now for you know you're gonna win." He went on to say that God is in control of our trials, that we don't have to wait until the trial is over to praise His name, because we are guaranteed to win.
I really felt a peace come over me, like God was again reaching down and communicating to little ole me. I don't have to fear the outcome of this pregnancy. God is in control. No matter the outcome, it will be a win for me. God's plans for us are always good in the end, whether it seems that way in the circumstance or not. I aslo took it as a confirmation that God will heal this baby. Does this song always mean the outcome is the 'best' in human terms? No, not necessarily. But I've heard many things over the last few weeks that could pertain to my circumstances, but none struck a cord in my spirit like this one did. It's hard to explain. I wanted to record this so I can look back and remember. So I can be thankful for a God who hears our cries and tells us to cast every care on Him.
Yesterday the girls and I had a full day of celebrating Christmas. Natalie keeps asking ' is today Christmas?' and I keep trying to explain we celebrate for the whole month leading up til Christmas, but the actually day is in a couple weeks. Here are some pictures of the girls at a cookie exchange we went to in the morning. They LOVED it! We had lunch, decorated gingerbread men, and sang Christmas carols around the piano. When Mrs. Hatley asked if anyone knew what a king is, Natalie answered, "It's when you are very powerful." She's seen kings in fairytales, but I thought it was perceptive of her to describe it this way.
Last night, our bookclub got together for yummies and exchanging books. We all received a book from someone's home library. We had a great time talking, eating and discussing what book we should read next. Can't wait 'til next year!
