Leighann
I have struggled lately wondering if I am in denial over baby boy. I shared before that I feel God challenged me a week or so after getting the initial news to trust that he WILL heal this baby, not only that he can. This is a hard thing to do. It's hard to say you 'heard' from God; that he's telling you something that will happen in the future. No one wants to misread God, or attribute our wishes as a message from God. It's not only highly embarrassing, but extremely disappointing. So, I go back and forth wondering if I'm understanding the Holy Spirit or if I should have a plan for baby boy's passing - you know, just in case. I verbalized this to Henry last night, saying I didn't want to be naive, or unprepared (yes, I'm a huge control freak!). He encouraged me to keep believing my gut feeling - that God will heal the baby.
I've also cried out to God in the last week or more, where are you? are you still speaking to me? am I understanding you correctly? what are my next steps? Nothing but silence on the other end. It's frustrating because I really felt God speak to me several times in the first 10 weeks after diagnosis. It seems since our initial visit to Children's, I've become more confident in the medical community stepping up to the plate and have depended less on my faith reaction. I don't want that. I want to know God is still there; listening, taking part, etc. So, I've really been asking for clarity and judgment.
This morning, I was rushing around trying to get more things done than possible and I turned the radio on in my car while running my errands. A Seventh Day Adventist service 'happened' to be airing. The minister was quoting a negro spiritual that says, "Don't wait until the battle is over, shout now for you know you're gonna win." He went on to say that God is in control of our trials, that we don't have to wait until the trial is over to praise His name, because we are guaranteed to win.
I really felt a peace come over me, like God was again reaching down and communicating to little ole me. I don't have to fear the outcome of this pregnancy. God is in control. No matter the outcome, it will be a win for me. God's plans for us are always good in the end, whether it seems that way in the circumstance or not. I aslo took it as a confirmation that God will heal this baby. Does this song always mean the outcome is the 'best' in human terms? No, not necessarily. But I've heard many things over the last few weeks that could pertain to my circumstances, but none struck a cord in my spirit like this one did. It's hard to explain. I wanted to record this so I can look back and remember. So I can be thankful for a God who hears our cries and tells us to cast every care on Him.
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