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"This is really fun. I'm glad we came out for pancakes." I say.

"Yep. They're good. Next time, let's bring Ainsley and Daddy." She chirps.

"What? Aren't you having a good time having alone time with mommy." I ask.

"Yes. It's fun. But I think Ainsley and Daddy would like this place." was her response.

Great. All this alone time and here she is wanting to bring people along! 

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I'm totally a project-oriented girl. Always trying to get something done with a to do list the length of my arm. One of my biggest hurdles as a mom has been to engage my children. When they're being good, it's so hard for me not to take the opportunity to check off one more thing off the list. I find myself often saying, 'just a minute, mommy has to [fill in the blank]'.  So, many days, I will put 'play with the girls' on my to do list just to remind myself to refocus on what's important. This brings me to the next hurdle. What to do with them.... we do crafts and play-doh, but is there more out there?  So, help a sister out, let me know what you enjoy doing with your kids that they ask to do over and over.....  ready, GO!

Every year, I get the girls a new ornament corresponding to what their current interests are. This year we wrapped them and they opened them last night to start off the festivities. Ainsley loves her Mickey Mouse ornament and Natalie loves her Barbie Ballerina. They were the first ornaments onto the tree. Most of our ornaments are glass balls - yes, I know, who thought of that in a house with a toddler and preschooler, but I'm happy to report we only lost one. We had such a good time watching the girls pick out where they wanted the ornaments.  We also brought out the Fischer Price nativity and the girls have been vying ever since to be the one to play with it. When Natalie was bringing out the pieces, I heard Ainsley say, "Baby E-sus". So cute. I love this time of year.

I've also cried out to God in the last week or more, where are you? are you still speaking to me? am I understanding you correctly? what are my next steps?  Nothing but silence on the other end. It's frustrating because I really felt God speak to me several times in the first 10 weeks after diagnosis. It seems since our initial visit to Children's, I've become more confident in the medical community stepping up to the plate and have depended less on my faith reaction. I don't want that. I want to know God is still there; listening, taking part, etc.  So, I've really been asking for clarity and judgment.

This morning, I was rushing around trying to get more things done than possible and I turned the radio on in my car while running my errands. A Seventh Day Adventist service 'happened' to be airing. The minister was quoting a negro spiritual that says, "Don't wait until the battle is over, shout now for you  know you're gonna win."  He went on to say that God is in control of our trials, that we don't have to wait until the trial is over to praise His name, because we are guaranteed to win.

I really felt a peace come over me, like God was again reaching down and communicating to little ole me. I don't have to fear the outcome of this pregnancy. God is in control. No matter the outcome, it will be a win for me. God's plans for us are always good in the end, whether it seems that way in the circumstance or not. I aslo took it as a confirmation that God will heal this baby. Does this song always mean the outcome is the 'best' in human terms?  No, not necessarily. But I've heard many things over the last few weeks that could pertain to my circumstances, but none struck a cord in my spirit like this one did. It's hard to explain. I wanted to record this so I can look back and remember. So I can be thankful for a God who hears our cries and tells us to cast every care on Him. 

Last night, our bookclub got together for yummies and exchanging books. We all received a book from someone's home library. We had a great time talking, eating and discussing what book we should read next. Can't wait 'til next year!

I saved the best for last....I would be totally remiss if I didn't mention how grateful I am for God - the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  It is unfathomable for man to understand why the creator of the universe chose to pursue a relationship with mankind; why He cares for each of us, and has plans for each of us in minute detail. So, we simply have to accept it. We try to figure out in our humaness how and why God does things, but in the end, we just don't think the way He does. We don't have the whole picture. Why is it His Son, Jesus, is the only way to heaven?  Why is it evil exist? Or pain? Or suffering?  Why is it children starve to death with their basic needs unmet?  These are questions we humans struggle with. However, one thing we do know and I am so grateful for this holiday season is God's love and grace. It's amazing to me that all I have to do is accept God's gift to be acceptable to Him. There are no rituals, good works, religious acts, or random acts of kindness I must do to be acceptable in His sight. I simply have to accept His love for me. His love. That's outrageous. It doesn't answer the human need for fairness. Tit for tat, this for that. It doesn't make sense to us because we constantly feel there must be something more we have to do. But, thankfully there isn't.

And, I'm so grateful it doesn't stop there. God not only loves us to death, but loves us through life. I have felt God in my past through various struggles in my life and especially feel His presence now as we walk through the valley with our baby boy. He has spoken to me through scripture, others, and in my quiet times, calming my heart, giving me hope for the future. It a.m.a.z.e.s me that God speaks to us individually; that He cares about our little hang ups and struggles. We are not looked at as the whole of mankind, but individually who we are.

So this Thanksgiving, and everyday, I am thankful that God loves me; that He walks with me; and that He guides me on this journey we call life.

Thanksgiving list #4 -

I am incredibly thankful for my extended friends and family. Each of you have touched our lives in different ways and I'm really grateful for that. Even before our recent saga, our friends have cheered us, confronted us, and played with us. Our family has stood beside us - did I mention we got married at 18 - and loved us despite all our faults. I don't remember who said, 'no man is an island', but it is certainly true. I don't know how we could enjoy life if it weren't for our friends and family. So, Happy Thanksgiving! Today (and everyday), I am thankful for you.

There are so many things to be thankful for....and today I will talk about how grateful I am for my children. Both of our girls came easily to us...well, the procreating, not the labor and delivery!  I know this isn't the case for everyone. I have a good number of friends and a sister who tried for years to get pregnant. They were on everyone's prayer list and thankfully, most of them have had results. I am grateful that we were blessed to not have to struggle getting pregnant.

And, I am grateful for their health. This especially hit home throughout this pregnancy as we have struggled with the health of our son. Both girls are pretty healthy, getting a common cold every now and then, but never suffering with ear infections, strep, colic, reflux, etc. They've never even had the flu! 

Lastly, I'm grateful that our girls are easy going, well adjusted, and well behaved. I expect a lot of them and I know I am extremely blessed that they meet my expectations - most of the time.

What makes me so incredibly grateful is that I cannot control any of the things I listed today. It is simply a gift from God that that each of these things fell into place. I have never been one to 'need' my children emotionally. At least, not until three months ago. I remember when we first found out about baby boy's condition my mother-in-law offered to take the girls for a few days so I could have time to myself to grieve. Thanking her, I politely declined her offer. I explained that if she took the girls, I would be by myself and felt I would lose my mind. They were then, and are now, my saving grace. They distract my thoughts, keep my hands busy, and fill my heart will joy. I need them now!  I hold them a little tighter, cuddle with them a little longer, and spoil them a little more.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for my husband. We met when I was 15 and he was 2 months shy of his 15^th birthday. Crazy, I know. When I look back on how I was, I can’t believe he not only put up with me, but also decided to spend the rest of his life with me. I was, well, a high school girl! Insecure, high-strung, clingy. All the things guys look for in a mate.

I hardly ever think back to that time, but even then, Henry was a rock in my life. Steady, a voice of reason in my scattered, immature mind. Now that we are older, I hope I’m more mature! I’m definitely more secure and not clingy in the least. (Sweetie, you can correct me if I’m wrong.) However, I am still emotional at times and Henry continues to be a steady rock.

I have never felt more loved than in the last three months. I remember lying on the table in the doctor’s office when the sonographer said she needed to get the doctor, that the heart didn’t look right. I started crying. It was so overwhelming...she said something like, ‘it doesn’t look good.’ Henry got up from where he was seated, came over, and starting stroking my hair and wiping my tears. He intuitively knew I needed his touch. Then later, I could hear him in the hall telling someone at work he wouldn’t be in the rest of the day. Without even consulting me, he knew we needed to hunker down, that I shouldn’t be alone. He’s the one who picked the girls up from the sitters so I didn’t have to face anyone in my broken state; called our parents and kept callers at bay. When my sister called me five times in the next 24 hours he asked if I wanted him to call her and tell her to wait for my call.

He’s always been this way, my protector and knight, but I’ve never needed him like I do now to play that role. With all that is going on around him at work and in the market, his wife has come first. It’s not that I didn’t feel loved before, it’s just been stretched to new heights and he’s stepped up to the plate each time. He is absolutely the best man to walk beside me in life. I have no doubt about that. I don’t know how I would get through life without him. Not in the way I rely on God – as the one who has an ultimate plan for my life, who is control of the universe. Not in that way. But in the way that we are in this together, we are on the same team. And folks, I got to tell you, I think I got the better end of the stick in this one.

#1 - I am extremely grateful to be born in a country where there is plenty of food, plenty of freedoms, good healthcare, and a pretty darn good quality of life. There are so many people around the world starving. Not because there isn't enough food to go around, but because countries like ours, make portions so large and selection so wide, that much of our food goes to waste. It says a lot about us as a nation, but that's for another post. In this post, I am grateful that I have food to put on the table in front of my children and if I didn't, I could go down to the local food bank or the local govt. assistance office and get the help I need to provide for my family.

I'm grateful for the freedoms I enjoy as an American. I can go almost anywhere I want to, when I want to, and how I want to. I'm allowed to not only disagree with my government, but publish a letter or article in the newspaper or online saying so without fear of repercussions to me or my family. I can believe in whom I want and worship that said someone without fear.

I'm grateful for the healthcare system in America - although there are many who say it sucks. I happen to be grateful that our infant mortality rate is 6.3 deaths/1,000 births as opposed to 160 deaths/1,000 births as it is in Sierra Leone. I am grateful that my children and I are not in danger of going blind  or dying from dysentery or more from unhygienic water. I am grateful that even if I don't have health insurance, I cannot be turned away from a medical facility while in some countries, some mothers don't have a place to take their children when they are sick.

I am thankful that I am able to live with a roof over my head, running water, electricity, appliances that do the dirty work; access to education, healthcare, food; and my greatest worries aren't surviving day to day.

Just one look around the globe offers a glimpse at many who do not have the everyday conveniences we have in America. None of us can chose where and when we are born. I am so grateful that I was plunked down in middle America. Now it's up to me not to squander that blessing.